4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
