I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
