mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
