o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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