hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
