bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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