I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
