I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
