my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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