when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
