how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How's work?
Spinning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
