Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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