Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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