Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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