I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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