whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
