Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
