I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Bang-toberfest begins!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
