UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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