Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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