Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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