i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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