Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
