y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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