Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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