I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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