i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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