i jhust puked up my retainher.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
