you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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