Don't make out with my wife yet
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
