Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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