do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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