So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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