I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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