meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
