so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
