Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
