now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
