I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
No I am not eating basil off your cock
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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