Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
