just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
