Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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