Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
