I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
