i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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