I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
