he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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