i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Randomize
