I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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