I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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