In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
