My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
