Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
