Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
