I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize