Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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