he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
this is an emotional support booty call
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
